[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.