“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.