when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.