My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.