I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
You Might Also Like
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My typo game is string.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
New favorite tiktok
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.