tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
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I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Print is alive and well!!!
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
then why did i get this email
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Taking phone security to the next level.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.