Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*