I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
When the stylist spins you back around
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
That’s amazing.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.