Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
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It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no