[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
You sure about that?
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.