If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
You Might Also Like
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something