Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Fiction has to make sense.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
No, YOUR illiterate.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.