Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.