Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
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I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans