Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
buys donuts instead
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.