There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Meow
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.