There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
smh
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.