If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
you telling me a banana nut in this bread