I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.