Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Not even remotely sorry.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.