Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…