Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
You Might Also Like
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic: