[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Based Erika
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.