I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You Might Also Like
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“I’m helping” 😅
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The “baby” on the left….
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.