“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
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I hope it’s French Onion!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.