*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
he was correct
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them