I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
You Might Also Like
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more