Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi