“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’m good, thanks.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.