opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
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you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Actually cracking up @ this
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.