Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”