*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.