Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
this chia pet tastes awful
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that