According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Perfect
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.