My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
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wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The first one, obviously
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
This meal prepping shit is easy
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus