Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
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Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.