am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
TRAIN’S HERE
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
crazy