Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?