Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
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*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
twitter users today:
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.