Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Dune (2021)
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.