Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
no cat here
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual