My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me