*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
new year update: losing everything but weight
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.