It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that