“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Best spot.. 😅