*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
You Might Also Like
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
How did we not see this back then?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
This fish is cracking me up
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.