Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
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