“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”