I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
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lumberjacks will cut a birch
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.