My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
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My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Shower sex be like:
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
starting a garage orchestra
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
me working on my assignments ^-^
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.